In today’s fast-paced world, it’s hard to stay connected with loved ones who’ve crossed into the afterlife. That’s why Meta is proud to introduce… Hologrampa.
Tapping into the nostalgia economy and the grief-industrial complex, Meta’s newest innovation allows users to resurrect their grandparents—sort of. Hologrampa uses advanced AI modeling, low-latency projection tech, and 1,000 hours of YouTube war documentaries to simulate your late grandfather’s presence, complete with the warmth, wisdom, and intermittent racism of the real thing.
In a sleek product demo, one user, Sarah, embraces a flickering projection of her late grandfather, Milhouse, who fondly reminisces about summer days spent watching herons… before seamlessly pivoting into a Capital One ad. “With the Capital One Rewards Credit Card, you can earn unlimited 1.5% cash back on every purchase, every day,” he beams, eyes twinkling. “What’s in your wallet?”
Meta assures users that these ad interruptions are a feature, not a bug—part of the Free-Tier Nostalgia™ experience, where every heartfelt moment is punctuated by monetizable content.
For those seeking a less ad-heavy afterlife experience, Meta offers a Premium tier. This includes fewer sponsorships, smoother facial rendering, and customizable settings—like the groundbreaking “Racism Slider.” Want the familiar edge of 1950s commentary without the full 1950s? Simply drag the slider down from “Talk Radio” to “Awkward Thanksgiving.”
Meta has also leaned into authenticity, rolling out features like Mishearing Mode—a carefully engineered flaw that lets Grandpa answer questions about the zoo with fond tales of “the glue factory.”
But Hologrampa isn’t just for reminiscing. In an effort to gamify grief, Meta announced Grandpa Battle Mode, where holographic grandfathers can face off in a virtual arena using special moves like “Cane Swing Slam” and “Lawn Complaint Barrage.” Victories earn you Grandpa Points™ which can be exchanged for exclusive upgrades, such as “Hologrampa Elvis,” who can fight and serenade you through a Bluetooth speaker embedded in his orthopedic shoes.
Of course, no Meta rollout would be complete without an announcement that makes everyone vaguely uncomfortable. “Coming soon,” Zuckerberg declared, “Hologramma.” A lovingly simulated grandmother figure who will bake you cookies, then whisper, “You don’t really need two,” and gossip about your weight with temple friends who have mysteriously also been scanned into the cloud.
Critics have raised concerns about the ethical implications of digitally resurrecting the dead and monetizing their memory, to which Meta responded by introducing Real Grandpa Override™—a failsafe feature that pauses playback if your real, still-alive grandfather enters the room. “It’s just a courtesy,” said a Meta engineer, “so your analog relatives don’t feel threatened.”
Still, the product has proven wildly popular in early access trials, especially among kids who never met their real grandparents and adults desperate for familial approval in the form of holographic nods.
As one satisfied customer put it, “My actual grandpa died before I was born, but now I have a virtual one who thinks I’m brave, wants me to follow my dreams, and occasionally sells me car insurance. It’s everything I ever wanted from a father figure.”
Meta declined to comment on whether a HologDeadPet version was in the works, though leaked internal documents suggest a “Digital Dog Resurrection Hub” is already in beta testing.
Until then, users can enjoy the comforting presence of their dearly departed—streamed, updated, and optimized for engagement.
