LOS ANGELES, CA — In a surprise announcement posted to Instagram, Kourtney Kardashian revealed that she is expecting her fourth child, and that the fetus—already five months along—has secured exclusive sponsorship deals with Erewhon, Balenciaga Baby, and Crate & Barrel’s new prenatal line, Womb With a View™.
Kourtney’s post, which received 2.4 million likes within the first hour, featured a heavily filtered sonogram of the fetus in soft, warm lighting, complete with a visible glow and suspiciously sharp cheekbones. Fans were quick to point out that the ultrasound had clearly been run through a slimming filter.
“We just wanted to present Halo in the best possible light,” Kourtney said. “There’s no shame in contouring the womb.”
The image also included a tiny Fendi logo photoshopped into the amniotic fluid and the caption: “Meet Halo Marmalade Barker 💫 Our little influencer-in-progress 💅.” Halo’s management team later confirmed that he signed with WME at just 14 weeks gestation and has already been profiled in Forbes Under 0.5.
“We’re incredibly proud,” said Kourtney, gently cradling her $7,000 organic cashmere bump sling. “It’s every parent’s dream to see their child monetized before they even open their eyes.”
Travis Barker, Halo’s father and live-in sound bath facilitator, added that they plan to release an NFT series chronicling each trimester, beginning with a limited-edition placenta teaser called “The Drop.”
While critics accused the family of exploiting the unborn child for profit, Kris Jenner quickly dismissed the concerns.
“Exploit? Please. We’re empowering him to enter the market early. Do you know how many fetuses stay nameless in the womb? We gave him a brand. You’re welcome.”
At press time, Halo was said to be “resting” between brand meetings and refusing to kick unless Kourtney’s belly was lit properly.
Not everyone in the Kardashian compound supported the fetus-forward approach. A muffled voice of dissent was heard from inside the east wall of the foyer.
“I just think maybe we don’t need to monetize everything before it’s even born,” said Rob Kardashian, speaking through a vent grate. “Maybe the baby could just… be a baby?”
Rob, who has reportedly been forced to live inside the walls of the family’s Calabasas estate “for privacy reasons,” is only allowed out once a year to take the family Christmas photo and adjust Kim’s lighting reflector. Sources say he’s also in charge of maintaining the ring lights in Khloé’s cryo-chamber.
When reached for further comment, a family spokesperson shouted, “ROB, GET BACK BEHIND THE DRYWALL,” followed by the sound of a Roomba barricading the entrance.
Halo Marmalade remains unfazed, having just closed a deal with Warby Parker for a limited-edition fetal eyewear line called “Womb Specs.”
Meanwhile, Kourtney hinted that Halo’s gender reveal would be livestreamed from inside a Dior-branded amniotic sac. Tickets are rumored to start at $399, with VIP packages including a lock of fetal hair and a signed ultrasound.
