DES MOINES, IA — A brief but chaotic gas leak at a local Regal Cinemas put to sleep the last three remaining awake people in the theater, providing a moment of unexpected relief for audiences slogging through The Alto Knights—a film many described as “like watching paint dry, but the paint has a Brooklyn accent and unresolved beef with itself.”
The leak, reportedly caused by a malfunctioning popcorn warmer and a maintenance intern vaping next to an open pilot light, began just as the film entered its 87th consecutive scene of Robert De Niro muttering threats to himself in different hats. EMTs arrived to find dozens slumped in their seats, many already unconscious from the pacing alone.
“I wanted to leave 20 minutes in,” said one man as paramedics wheeled him out. “But I didn’t want to waste the $14.50 I paid for this, so when I heard the alarms I was like, ‘Finally—I can get a refund and still keep my dignity.’”
“As I drifted off to sleep, it was nice to escape the movie,” said another attendee. “But then I started dreaming about it. The nightmare only intensified when I woke up to Alto Knights still playing on the big screen.”
The film, which features De Niro in a dual role as mobsters Vito Genovese and Frank Costello, was marketed as a high-stakes gangster drama but plays more like a Zoom call between two tired grandfathers arguing about marinara. Despite the pedigree, critics and audiences alike have panned the movie for its snail-paced storytelling and complete lack of tension, charisma, or reason to exist.
“He didn’t even live up to Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap,” said one attendee, coughing into her popcorn bucket. “At least she had chemistry—with herself. This just felt like De Niro doing an improv warm-up with a mirror for two and a half hours.”
In an attempt to save both faces, De Niro has since denied any involvement in the project, claiming it was a deepfake hatched by a rogue editor. His team is now orchestrating a smear campaign to blame the entire film on Danny DeVito, alleging he was “in full prosthetics and speaking into a funnel.”
In response to the film’s catastrophic reception and in light of this recent incident, Warner Bros. is reportedly experimenting with releasing trace amounts of sleeping gas during screenings in a desperate bid to keep audiences unconscious long enough to avoid mid-show walkouts—and more importantly, refund requests.
“This is part of our commitment to passive engagement,” said one studio rep.
Meanwhile, The Alto Knights is already at the center of a growing class action lawsuit filed by viewers demanding compensation—or time travel—for the two hours they’ll never get back. One plaintiff stated, “I went in 34 years old and came out older, sadder, and with a mild limp.”
Those who endured to the end were rewarded with a rare moment of studio self-awareness: a single line buried deep in the credits that read simply, “We’re sorry. We thought this would be better.”
At press time, Warner Bros. declined to confirm rumors of a sequel, though one producer was overheard whispering, “Only if we can find a third De Niro or blackmail a Baldwin.”
