SCARSDALE, NY — In what Make-A-Wish officials are calling their “most theologically complicated request to date,” 9-year-old leukemia patient Ezra Feldman shocked everyone this week by using his once-in-a-lifetime wish to stop being Jewish.
“I just want to be part of a religion that doesn’t have two genocide remembrance days,” Ezra told reporters from his hospital bed, looking up from a picture book titled The Beginner’s Guide to Catholicism: Now With Less Guilt (Allegedly). “I’m tired of fasting, historical trauma, and being told the Holocaust is why I can’t have a pet German Shepherd. I just want to believe in a sky dad who lets me eat shrimp and go to heaven.”
The request reportedly sent shockwaves through Ezra’s family, who in response prepared an elaborate catered affair with lox, kugel, and a slideshow of Jewish NBA players. This apparently did not convince Ezra, who quickly noted that all of the photos were of Domantas Sabonis with different moustaches drawn on, and that he was a convert so “it didn’t count.”
“Ezra’s wish is, um… definitely unique,” said regional Make-A-Wish coordinator Dana Feldstein, flipping nervously through the charity’s official manual. “We’ve granted wishes for kids to meet Spider-Man, fly in a fighter jet, even become honorary police officers. We stopped doing the last one after a 5-year-old with Retinoblastoma accidentally discharged a ceremonial pistol and spooked a police horse, who then bucked a counterfeiting suspect into a nearby pond. This is our first wish involving full-blown theological rebranding.”
After a rapid-fire theological review and a call to a priest with a loose moral compass and a sacrament quota, Ezra was granted a bedside baptism in the pediatric oncology wing. Hospital staff wheeled in a plastic kiddie pool, a nurse played Enya, and Father Patrick performed the sacrament using a repurposed hospital mug.
“I hereby christen you… Zachary Jameson,” Father Patrick declared solemnly, dabbing Ezra’s forehead. “Go forth and sin in moderation.”
Post-baptism, Zach was reportedly feeling great and had already started praying for the Pope and memorizing all the Beatitudes “just in case.” As visiting hours ended, Zach smiled, turned to the priest, and whispered what were believed to be his final words before naptime:
“Now that I’m not Jewish, everything’s finally going to work out.”
Zach passed peacefully at 11:15 a.m., disappointing his mother.
