LOS ANGELES, CA — In a landmark ruling expected to reshape everything from HR manuals to microwave snack sales, the state of California has officially designated stoners as a protected class. The decision, handed down in the case of D-O-Double-G v. California, guarantees legal safeguards for citizens who identify as “chronically chill.”
“This is a major step forward for civil rights, and also, like, vibes,” said Tommy “Blaze” Thompson, a local stoner advocate and professional couch surfer, while double-fisting a burrito and a hacky sack. “I can finally fall asleep at work without fear of persecution, which is a huge win for equality and also lunch breaks.”
The new protections bar employers from discriminating against stoners for behaviors deemed “culturally intrinsic,” such as habitual tardiness, sudden philosophical tangents, or the aggressive microwaving of dubious food combinations at 3 p.m.
“We’re thrilled,” said Dave, a systems analyst at Capital Growth Associates, as he unpacked his backpack in the office to reveal a mini hammock, a karaoke machine, and a live goldfish named Bongwater. “Now I can live my truth: work from couch.”
Not everyone is puff-puff-passing with joy. CEO Roger Westington of CGA expressed concern that the ruling is “crippling productivity.”
“Our Q2 numbers are down, and half the staff is off watching clouds for ‘emotional calibration,’” Westington said. “We had to act fast.”
As part of the company’s Stay Alert Initiative, CGA has introduced complimentary cocaine to “counterbalance the chill.” Employees now report heightened focus, record-setting stock trades, and an alarming number of desk dogs with LinkedIn profiles.
“I’ve never seen a Shih Tzu execute a $1.4 million trade before,” said one analyst, eyes twitching. “But damn if it didn’t outperform my entire portfolio.”
Legal scholars are still parsing what “stoner identity” means in practice, but early signs point to a seismic cultural shift. One HR rep described onboarding a new hire who brought a duck to orientation and insisted it was his “emotional support waterfowl-slash-legal counsel.”
