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Local News

11-Month-Old Fetus Refuses to Be Born, Citing California Squatter Rights

In a legal standoff that’s baffled doctors and thrilled constitutional scholars, an 11-month-old fetus has invoked California squatter rights to stay in the womb indefinitely — with legal representation and demands for a ball pit.
Local News

Wesleyan Student Majoring in White Guilt Performs “Selma on Ice” in Birmingham as Senior Thesis

Now Wesleyan’s third most popular major, “White Guilt” blends history, performance, and anxiety into a four-year gauntlet of identity-based self-flagellation. One senior’s capstone, Selma on Ice, featured a solo figure skating tribute to civil rights — complete with SoulCycle towel backdrops, a sequined “Good Trouble” leotard, and a reparations Venmo link benefiting an Ethiopian classmate with a vineyard.
Local News

Local Psychic Warns Hot Clients They Will Die Unless They Date Her

After a string of failed relationships and rising wedding season pressure, local psychic Amara Moonstone has begun warning her hottest clients they’re fated to die — usually in tragic, cartoonish ways — unless they start dating her immediately. Branded as “romantic emergency prophecies,” these readings have involved threats of anvil crushings and Bigfoot knifings.
Local News

Jewish Cancer Patient Uses Make-A-Wish On Catholic Conversion

In a move Make-A-Wish officials called their “most theologically challenging to date,” 9-year-old Ezra Feldman used his dying wish to convert from Judaism to Catholicism, citing exhaustion with fasting, trauma, and “no Christmas.” His family attempted to intervene with kugel and a suspicious slideshow of Jewish NBA players, but Ezra remained undeterred.
Local News

Local Woman Avenges Elderly Dog’s Euthanasia by Declaring War on Veterinarian

After her beloved Shih Tzu Mitzy was euthanized by the dog’s lifelong veterinarian, Ashley Mancuso launched an elaborate campaign of revenge involving stolen pets, sabotaged clinic technology, and a blistering one-star Yelp review.
Local News

OBIT: Oliver Murdock Dead at 53, Just in Time to Avoid Apologizing for Anything Ever

Oliver Murdock, 53, died last Tuesday after being struck by a Cybertruck—an event his estranged wife Caroline described as “an abrupt and convenient escape from accountability.” In a scathing obituary, she recalled his signature talents: leaving the fridge open, offending waitstaff, and dodging emotional maturity like it was jury duty.
Culture, Local News

Boy’s Suspicion of Terminal Illness Confirmed by Surprise Ariana Grande Visit

After months of vague test results and cryptic medical conversations, 17-year-old Trevor Stills only began to suspect something was seriously wrong when Ariana Grande showed up at his house holding a corsage on prom night and calling him “so strong.”
Local News

Local “Freelance Plaintiff” Becomes Financially Independent Thanks to 800+ Class Action Lawsuits

What began as a hobby of collecting $8 settlement checks and “cruelty-free” cosmetics payouts has turned into a full-time career for 34-year-old Terry Malkovich. With over 800 class action lawsuits under his belt—ranging from deceptive pesto to emotionally misleading candles—Malkovich has built a livelihood out of minor consumer betrayals, a manila folder labeled “TO SUE,” and an unwavering belief that justice includes bagel labels and scented candles.
Local News

Berkeley PD Halts Montessori Program After Feelings Stick Turns Violent

In a bid to replace outdated interrogation methods, Berkeley PD launched a Montessori-style suspect processing program where detainees shared emotions using a “feelings stick” and colored mandalas in peace corners. But after one suspect fatally bludgeoned another over the last gratitude beanbag, officials admitted the program — while soothing — may have slightly underestimated the violent potential of emotionally unprocessed car thieves.

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