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Politics

Politics

International Student Ban Reversed by Harvard Alumni Judge with a Rasmus-Shaped Hole in Her Heart

A judge has overturned the Harvard international student ban—and her ruling reads like a love letter to a Danish graduate student she once had a whirlwind romance with during their time at Harvard. In her decision, Judge Klein defends education, drags American frat boys, and longs for one more shirtless, rye toast-making morning with Rasmus.
Politics

Budget Cuts Reduce EPA to Single Petco in Phoenix, Bearded Dragon Now Oversees Nuclear Fallout

After federal budget cuts slashed the EPA down to a single Petco store in suburban Phoenix, all environmental oversight duties—including nuclear waste response—have been handed off to a high school junior just trying to impress a girl and a bearded dragon named Gandalf.
Politics

Millions Heartbroken After Police Find Mitch McConnell in His Home Alive and Well

Millions were left heartbroken Thursday after police confirmed that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is, in fact, alive and well, following a wellness check prompted by a psychic’s unsettling vision. Officers found the 209-year-old lawmaker orchestrating what appeared to be a Civil War-themed ritual he simply calls “Tuesday.”
Politics

Easter Bunny Prepares for White House Egg Hunt by Donning Bulletproof Vest, Making Peace With His God

In light of multiple failed assassination attempts on Trump, the White House Easter Bunny—portrayed by a junior in a bulletproof vest—arrived at the annual South Lawn egg hunt ready for danger. What began as a festive tradition unraveled into chaos after a rogue Nerf dart set off a security meltdown, Eric Trump crashed a golf cart into the lemonade stand, and the visibly shaken bunny, known as Kyle, was left frozen amid shattered deviled eggs and crying children.
Politics

Matt Gaetz Endorses New Bill After Negotiating Down Mail-Order Bride Tariffs

In a surprise policy pivot, Rep. Matt Gaetz has thrown his support behind a new tariff bill—just hours after negotiating special protections for the mail-order bride industry. “We’ve safeguarded a critical supply chain,” Gaetz proclaimed, standing proudly beside a dazed Latvian woman holding artificial roses. “Thanks to these exemptions, patriots can still import emotionally unavailable companionship at competitive rates.”
Politics

RFK Jr. Proposes New CDC Division for “Holistic Immunity,” Suggests Breast Milk Could Replace Vaccines

In a move that has stunned medical professionals and delighted wellness influencers, newly appointed Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced the creation of a CDC Division of Holistic Immunity, claiming that “breast milk is nature’s vaccine.” The initiative, dubbed Project TittyShield, will roll out Lacto-Vouchers, chakra-certified pediatricians, and a national breast milk registry—all in what critics are calling the most nipples-forward public health policy in American history.
Politics

Trump Delivers Stirring Final Message to Voters: ‘Arnold Palmer Was Naked, and That’s Important’

In a baffling final campaign speech, Donald Trump urged Americans to consider one overlooked factor before voting: Arnold Palmer’s “unbelievable” locker room presence. “He didn’t even need a golf club—if you know what I mean,” Trump said, launching into a passionate, unprovoked ranking of sports legends based on naked shower charisma.
Politics

Musk Offers Supporters $47 For Petition Signatures, $50k to End Zuckerberg’s Marriage

Elon Musk’s America PAC is now paying supporters $47 per petition signature—“the price of freedom and a mid-tier Uber,” he tweeted—plus bonuses for social media loyalty and $50K to anyone who can end Mark Zuckerberg’s marriage. Musk’s breakup plan, dubbed Operation X-Wife, includes deepfakes, fake Bezos texts, and yacht invites from sentient Roombas. “This isn’t petty,” Musk insisted. “It’s Web3 justice.”
Politics

Trump Tries Working at McDonald’s for a Day, Gets PIP for Ball Pit Antics

Donald Trump’s one-day McDonald’s “shift” ended in disaster after he was placed on a performance improvement plan for inappropriate ball pit behavior and tried to one-up Ronald McDonald in a locker room-style contest of size. After handing out unsolicited salads, messing up orders, and emerging from the ice cream machine covered in soft-serve, Trump declared, “I’ve made McDonald’s great again,” before being politely escorted off the premises.

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