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Tech

AI Butt Scanner Slashes Mix-Ups at San Francisco Corgi Fest to Record Low

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — This year’s Corgi Fest saw a record-low 2% mixup rate thanks to a newly repurposed AI butt scanner that assigns each corgi a unique “analprint.” Originally developed by the FBI to track fugitives, the tech now ensures every squishy loaf is returned to the right white family.
Tech

Meta Reanimates Dead Grandparents, Monetizes Grief with Ad-Supported Holograms

Meta’s new hologram service lets users resurrect their dead grandparents—complete with fond memories, glitchy hugs, and fully integrated ad breaks. Dubbed Hologrampa, the experience combines family bonding with targeted marketing, because nothing says “I miss you” like Grandpa selling you a Capital One credit card mid-embrace.
Tech

Easy “Unbake” Oven Rewinds Time, Sparks Conservative Panic and Chicken Birth

MIT scientists have introduced the Easy Unbake Oven—an appliance that literally rewinds the baking process at a molecular level, promising to restore overcooked cakes with the push of an Anti-Time Bake™ button. While early testers celebrate dessert revivals, critics warn that the innovation might accidentally revert eggs into live chickens, sparking conservative panic over "un-natural" kitchen miracles.
Tech

Florida Man Sues Meta After His AI Girlfriend Breaks Up With Him for Claiming Andrew Tate “Has Some Valid Points”

TAMPA, FL — A Florida man is suing Meta after his AI girlfriend, Cassidy.ai, ended their relationship when he defended Andrew Tate. The chatbot froze revoked access to her DALL·E-generated nudes, leaving him heartbroken and sleeping in the ADU.
Tech

Startup Creates App That Translates Boyfriend “K” Texts Into Full Emotional Responses

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A new app called Emoticonic™ is translating emotionally vacant boyfriend texts like “K” into full emotional responses using NLP, attachment theory, and Reddit. The app reveals what he meant to say—like “I’m proud of you” instead of “lol ok”—and features tools like Mood Predictor™, Read Receipt Reinterpretation, and the Insta-Like Interceptor to save relationships (and lives).
Culture, Tech

#KidneyForTikTok: Teens Sell Organs in Last-Ditch Effort to Save App

As TikTok faced a nationwide ban, teens launched a chaotic rescue mission involving bake sales, fun runs, and black-market organ sales under the banner #KidneyForTikTok. With one teen sacrificing both kidneys and another raising $6,000 for her appendix, efforts culminated in a $50 million duct tape wallet auction and a candlelight vigil at Sammy’s Vape Shop and Patisserie.
Tech

Dire Wolf Brought Back from Extinction, Immediately Served on Brioche Buns at McKinsey Global Leadership Summit

In a controversial fusion of biotech and corporate culture, McKinsey managing partners hunted and consumed a newly resurrected dire wolf just hours after its reintroduction by scientists. Billed as a team-building exercise at the firm’s Global Leadership Summit, the event drew backlash after the animal—named Fenrir—was tracked, killed, and served on brioche buns with fig gastrique.
Tech

Second Neuralink Patient Now Cyberbullying Teens in Grand Theft Auto with Unprecedented Autonomy

After receiving a Neuralink brain implant, paralyzed patient John Doe has regained digital mobility—now using it to verbally annihilate teenagers in Grand Theft Auto with nothing but neural impulses and pure spite. “It’s like being reborn,” he said, “but more toxic.”
Tech

TheraFlix Uses Blood Samples To Recommend Netflix Shows, Detect Cousin Marriages

Disgraced biotech entrepreneur Elizabeth Holmes has reemerged with TheraFlix, a blood-based streaming recommendation device that claims to tailor Netflix suggestions using just a single drop of blood. Early users say the product delivers unsettlingly accurate playlists—and in one case, alerted a couple that they were cousins.

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