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World News

World News

Stoners Now A Protected Class in California

In a historic decision expected to impact HR policies and Hot Pocket sales alike, California has officially recognized stoners as a protected class. The ruling safeguards behaviors like habitual lateness, philosophical tangents, and mid-afternoon “emotional calibration” cloud-watching.
World News

Trump’s Plane from Qatar Features Cruise Control That “Will Not Be Hacked by Military for a Swift Nose-Dive into Al-Yamamah Palace”

President Trump has accepted a $400M luxury jet from Qatar, complete with mirrored walls, a “STRIKE” button that launches “gift baskets,” and cruise control that definitely won’t redirect the plane into any buildings where the Emir’s Saudi enemies may congregate. Trump now reportedly spends hours in the aircraft’s mirrored maze, flirting with himself and whispering, “You’re hired.”
World News

Senator Proposes Branded Public Executions to Boost Tourism, Unity, and Toaster Sales

Alabama State Senator Cletus McGraw has proposed a bold new justice reform plan centered on public executions—complete with branded guillotines, livestream integration, and county fair execution booths rigged with toasters. While civil rights groups raise concerns, McGraw insists the initiative is "just about community engagement and revenue.”
World News

Melania Trump Unwittingly Spends Birthday at Pope’s Funeral, Mistakes Casket for Gift

First Lady Melania Trump reportedly spent her 55th birthday smiling and blowing kisses at mourners, under the impression that Pope Francis’s funeral was a surprise party in her honor. Believing the flower arrangements and incense were for her, Melania grew emotional when the Pope’s casket was carried past, assuming it was a “very heavy Chrome Hearts handbag.”
World News

Trump Visits Netanyahu to Pitch Gaza Strip Theme Park, Refuses to Leave Until IDF Does “Jewish Chair Dance Thing”

During an unannounced visit to Israel, President Trump unveiled plans for a Gaza Strip theme park and insisted on final approval from Prime Minister Netanyahu. The meeting ended with Trump demanding a celebratory “Jewish chair dance,” which IDF soldiers reluctantly performed as he shouted improvised Hebrew and clapped off-beat.
World News

Shanwei Zoo Vows All Animals Are Real As Reporter Wonders How Many Bears Train At Juilliard

The Shanwei Zoo has denied mounting allegations that its animals are costumed actors, despite a tap-dancing grizzly, a bipedal “snake” muttering in Mandarin, and a kangaroo caught chain-smoking by the eucalyptus exhibit. Officials maintain all animals are “fully real,” and urged guests to ignore loudspeakers threatening termination or euthanasia for lackluster performances.
World News

DeSantis Bans Pro-Choice Ads, Rolls Out ‘Women’s Mode’ for a Dainty and Feminine TV Experience

After banning pro-choice ads and tampon commercials, Governor Ron DeSantis has introduced “Women’s Mode,” a restricted TV setting offering only The Barefoot Contessa, Say Yes to the Dress, and a kitten slideshow with not-so-subliminal messaging.
World News

Trump to Sue Google for “Bad Search Results”, Buzzfeed for Harsh Muppet Personality Quiz

Donald Trump has announced plans to sue Google for “bad search results” and BuzzFeed for a Muppet quiz that labeled him Miss Piggy. Trump blasted Google for highlighting quotes he made “in the privacy of [his] own press conference,” and demanded a recount after BuzzFeed refused to change his result to Kermit.
World News

CNN Projects Kamala Harris as Presidential Election Winner Following Taylor Swift Endorsement

CNN has projected Kamala Harris as the 2024 election winner a full month early, following a Taylor Swift endorsement that sent GOP leaders into chaos. Trump turned to Cameo for celebrity support, Ron DeSantis tried to ban bangs, and Mike Pence accidentally endorsed gender theory. Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell introduced a Senate amendment to launch Kanye into space.

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