“I didn’t know their eyes were… up there,” said traumatized man in cargo shorts

ATLANTA, GA — In a catastrophic blow to America’s fragile ecosystem of socially acceptable leering, the abrupt closure of dozens of Hooters restaurants this week has forced thousands of men to confront a terrifying new reality: making sustained eye contact with women who aren’t being paid to pretend they enjoy hearing about their fantasy football picks and Jeep modifications.

The company, long known for serving wings, beer, and heavily implied affection, announced it would be shuttering around 30 locations in states including Florida, Georgia, Michigan, and Texas. The move comes after a bankruptcy filing earlier this year and what insiders are calling a rare win for both Christianity and feminism, but a tragic blow to shareholders and men who think tipping 25% counts as flirting.

“I tried smiling at a barista this morning,” said Brad T., 36, of Tallahassee. “She blinked and said, ‘Can I help you?’ I panicked. I tipped her $40 and apologized for my eye contact.”

To cushion the emotional collapse of its core clientele, Hooters has begun distributing EyeRespect Women Sunglasses™ to loyal patrons at closing locations. Each pair is equipped with a mirrored strip along the lower rim of the lenses. When wearers look downward, the glasses reflect the waitress’s face back into the region — but upside down.

“For decades, we’ve trained men to associate interpersonal warmth with upper body exposure,” said the Hooters CEO, speaking from a podium made of stacked Miller Lite cases. “These glasses redirect the gaze and, hopefully, the soul. It’s time to course-correct. Also — who even wants to ogle the waitstaff at Applebee’s? I’ve always called it Apple A’s. Because there sure as heck aren’t any B’s.”

He then high-fived himself and repeated the joke, insisting it “deserved more the first time.”

One Jacksonville man reportedly removed the glasses mid-meal after catching a glimpse of his own reflection in a hostess’s sternum. “I wasn’t ready to confront myself like that,” he muttered, backing slowly into a Chili’s, where he didn’t once adjust his pants during the entire meal.

The closures cap off what analysts are calling the worst quarter in company history, marred by three catastrophic events. The first was a freak cold front in the Midwest that forced servers to wear sweaters, sending regulars into spirals of barbecue-sauce-fueled rage and quiet confusion about what, exactly, they were tipping for.

The second was the ill-informed launch of a Hooters in Saudi Arabia, approved by a Wharton MBA who confidently assured investors they could fill a niche in which “supply is probably low.” The grand opening of Hooters Riyadh was interrupted by protesters and burned to the ground within minutes of the ribbon-cutting ceremony.

The third catastrophic event for the Hooters brand was simply Sydney Sweeney — a development corporate has declined to explain on account of the fact that “[we] have eyes.”