MIAMI, FL — In a groundbreaking leap for biotech, Neuralink’s latest brain-computer interface has enabled John Doe, its second human recipient, to access the internet using only his mind. After a decades-long spinal injury caused by an incident involving a tipping a giraffe for likes on Facebook reels, Doe now navigates digital spaces with ease.
“It’s truly life-changing,” said Doe. “I can finally engage with the world again—especially the chaotic cesspool that is online gaming.”
Doe has already carved out a place for himself in Grand Theft Auto lobbies, reviving his pre-injury passion: trash-talking teenagers into oblivion. “The level of autonomy I have now is incredible,” he said. “I can absolutely destroy clowns online with nothing but brainpower and rage. It’s like being reborn, but more toxic.”
Elon Musk, Iron Man 2 extra and Neuralink CEO, praised the development: “This is exactly what we hoped for.”
In just one week, Doe reportedly caused a 14-year-old to uninstall the game after an extended, one-sided exchange. “If you’re gonna talk smack while I’m turning your digital brain into pixel confetti, expect consequences,” he commented. “Also, tell your hot mom I said hi.”
Not everyone is thrilled. Doe’s wife, Katie, admits the tech has changed him. “He used to spend evenings with me. Now it’s nothing but joyrides and digital girlfriends. I haven’t been on a proper date since he learned how to hire NPCs with his mind.”
Doe’s eighth-grade son Kevin offered a more nuanced take: “It’s sick to team up with Dad, but sometimes he takes it too far. He roasted my friend Riley so hard, Riley skipped school all week and missed the day Mrs. Apodaca lactated through her shirt. That was epic.”
Doe’s digital rampage shows no signs of stopping. He’s now experimenting with celebrity deepfakes and has reportedly tried manipulating the Chinese stock market to “stick it to that loser Xi Jinping.”
