MONTGOMERY, AL — In a press conference on Tuesday, Alabama State Senator Cletus McGraw announced a sweeping justice reform proposal aimed at bringing back accountability, family values, and medieval beheadings. Senator Cletus McGraw, known for his innovative policies, like the Tuscaloosa Relief Act, allowing Crimson Tide fans to relieve themselves wherever they see fit, is now championing this retro approach to criminal justice.
“Now, the French get most things wrong—tiny portions, open-mouth kissing, and words with too many damn vowels. But I think they were onto something with the guillotine. It’s efficient, cost-effective, and cuts down on repeat offenders. Plus, it’s a real crowd-pleaser. As a staunch defender of tradition, it’s time we revisit the virtues of medieval Europe. It’s not just about justice; it’s about entertainment, tourism, and giving Alabama families something to do together again.”
A registered independent, McGraw was quick to clarify: “This is NOT about racism. I voted for Obama. Three times. Just to be safe.” He then added, with growing urgency, “Look—this is Marie Antoinette stuff, not Jim Crow. Capitalism not Confederacy. Now get that out of your heads so you can enjoy the rest of this article.”
Even after readers agreed the initiative wasn’t making light of Jim Crow, McGraw kept overcorrecting, desperate to keep them reading unfettered by clenched buttholes.
“We’ve actually taken extensive precautions to keep this from becoming a race thing. All execution lineups are reviewed by a third-party ethics board, two DEI consultants, and my niece, who has a sociology minor.”
“In fact,” he added proudly, “we currently exclude all racial, religious, and gender minorities from the execution schedule entirely,” sort of undercutting his previous remark about using DEI consultants.
With the optics of public, branded capital punishment now completely resolved, the senator unveiled his proposal: execution booths at county fairs, where children can throw balls at a target to dunk minor offenders into tanks rigged with toasters. Early pilot programs have received high approval ratings and only one electrical fire. Experts are working to get that figure closer to seven.
Toaster sales in Alabama have reportedly quadrupled since the announcement, and the CEO of DixieHeat Appliances—a staunch supporter of McGraw—has praised the plan as “a bold step for both justice and home goods.” McGraw insists the CEO’s campaign donations had no influence on the policy, despite the company’s 400% revenue increase since the debut of the toaster tanks.
“I always said if you can’t get tickets to the game, at least catch an execution,” said one Auburn resident. High-profile criminals are now being executed at baseball games, combining America’s two favorite pastimes: men chasing balls and capital punishment.
McGraw emphasized that the initiative is not stuck in the past but is fully compatible with the digital age. “All executions will be live-streamed on YouTube, Twitch, and Facebook Watch with full integration of viewer comments, branded sponsorships, and ad-supported bloodletting.”
Last week’s inaugural livestream drew over 2.3 million viewers and marked the official rollout of Alabama’s new Execution Experience™, complete with a Gillette-branded guillotine and Nike execution uniforms.
Streaming on YouTube, Twitch, and Facebook Watch, the event was hosted by two mic’d-up executioners sipping zero-calorie Mike’s Hard Lemonade between beheadings. “Nothing takes the edge off like a clean slice and a crisp citrus finish,” one said, as he wiped down the blood-slicked stage with a Swiffer WetJet. For life (and death’s) toughest messes.
Audience engagement remained high throughout the stream, with a steady scroll of real-time comments like “ROLL TIDE BABY!!!!” and “Can y’all give a shoutout to my Meemaw, she just turned 63.”
Product integration extended seamlessly across the broadcast. The execution blade bore the slogan “The Best a Man Can Get,” while the condemned wore sponsored apparel including Adidas track pants, Supreme robes, and, in one case, Yeezy slides. A pop-up ad promoted the return of Taco Bell’s Volcano Nacho Burrito during a particularly well-angled decapitation.
For those unable to attend in person, McGraw promised an interactive app, allowing users to vote on execution methods in real-time: “You haven’t really seen democracy until you’ve watched a man sawed in half by the local magician because your aunt’s book club voted for it on their iPads.”
While civil rights groups have expressed concerns, McGraw dismissed them. “This isn’t about cruelty,” he said. “It’s about revenue.”
As the press conference concluded, the senator posed for photos with a cardboard cutout of Lady Justice holding a Mountain Dew. He encouraged citizens to “smash that like button,” and announced the launch of the official Alabama Corrections Patreon: “Unlock exclusive execution content, behind-the-scenes interviews, and bonus blood splatter angles.”
The pilot season of Justice Uncut premieres next month on Netflix, pending final clearance from the FCC, the Department of Corrections, and the Alabama Tourism Board.
