PALO ALTO, CA — In a move that experts are calling “bold,” “deeply invasive,” and “probably not HIPAA-compliant,” Elizabeth Holmes has returned to the biotech spotlight with TheraFlix, a blood-based streaming recommendation device now being quietly piloted in select living rooms and minimum-security prisons.
Holmes, who is currently serving an 11-year white woman sentence (3 years with strategic eyelash batting), appeared in a sleek promotional video filmed in what appeared to be a prison broom closet painted white. Wearing her signature black turtleneck and speaking in a husky, unearned tone of authority, Holmes introduced the product as a “personalized entertainment diagnostic tool” that uses a single drop of blood to determine what you should be watching.
“While my previous product failed to detect any medical conditions,” Holmes said, gesturing to the rebranded blood-testing device now flashing a cheerful Netflix logo, “it turns out it’s great at detecting Scandinavian ancestry, latent white guilt, and complex emotional repression. That’s content gold.”
According to Holmes, the device evaluates over 100 biomarkers and uses proprietary algorithms to assign viewers into categories like “All Lives Matter but watches Atlanta,” “Emotionally unavailable but horny,” and “Gay with lingering CrossFit energy.” From there, it automatically queues up Netflix programming that best aligns with the user’s bloodwork, including shows they may not be emotionally ready for.
Test users have described the results as “insightful” and “aggressively confrontational.” One man, who asked to remain anonymous, said he was planning to rewatch The Office when TheraFlix intercepted and auto-played 12 Years a Slave. The device reportedly cited high cortisol levels and suppressed empathy as justification, then recommended he make a donation to the NAACP before unlocking any comedy content. “I negotiated for one episode of Parks and Rec,” the man said. “They countered with When They See Us.”
Another user, Mark Ellison, was surprised when TheraFlix analyzed his bloodstream and concluded he would enjoy The Goop Lab, What the Health, and Queer Eye: Season 6. His girlfriend, seated beside him, reportedly realized she was being broken up with before he did. “It was awkward,” Ellison said. “But honestly, the playlist slapped.”
In a separate case, a couple using the device was congratulated on their pregnancy. The man expressed confusion, citing a vasectomy he’d undergone the year prior. His partner’s silence was reportedly “prolonged.”
In another household, the device announced that two people watching together were, based on both DNA analysis and shared taste in content, cousins. They were then reminded by the device to “bring dessert for Grandma Jean’s birthday on Saturday.”
TheraFlix is currently in beta, with plans to expand pending Holmes’s parole eligibility and Netflix’s legal team sobering up. Asked about potential privacy concerns and scientific validity, Holmes responded, “It works. This time it really works,” as a guard quietly escorted her out of frame.
Netflix declined to comment, but did issue a statement clarifying that cousin detection is not an officially supported feature.
