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World News

Stoners Now A Protected Class in California

In a historic decision expected to impact HR policies and Hot Pocket sales alike, California has officially recognized stoners as a protected class. The ruling safeguards behaviors like habitual lateness, philosophical tangents, and mid-afternoon “emotional calibration” cloud-watching.
Politics

International Student Ban Reversed by Harvard Alumni Judge with a Rasmus-Shaped Hole in Her Heart

A judge has overturned the Harvard international student ban—and her ruling reads like a love letter to a Danish graduate student she once had a whirlwind romance with during their time at Harvard. In her decision, Judge Klein defends education, drags American frat boys, and longs for one more shirtless, rye toast-making morning with Rasmus.
Culture

Hooters Economic Collapse Forces Nation to Make Eye Contact with Waitresses

In a devastating blow to America’s leering economy, the sudden closure of dozens of Hooters restaurants has left thousands of men grappling with a harsh new reality: making eye contact with women who aren’t contractually obligated to laugh at their Jeep mods. To ease the transition, Hooters has begun distributing EyeRespect Women Sunglasses™, which use reflective lenses to redirect the male gaze—upward.
Tech

AI Butt Scanner Slashes Mix-Ups at San Francisco Corgi Fest to Record Low

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — This year’s Corgi Fest saw a record-low 2% mixup rate thanks to a newly repurposed AI butt scanner that assigns each corgi a unique “analprint.” Originally developed by the FBI to track fugitives, the tech now ensures every squishy loaf is returned to the right white family.
Culture

Gas Leak in Iowa Theater Provides Welcome Reprieve for Alto Knights Viewers

A gas leak during a screening of The Alto Knights in Des Moines offered unexpected mercy to viewers, knocking them out midway through Robert De Niro’s 87th hat-based monologue. “It was the best part of the film,” said one survivor, later suing for emotional damages and lost time.
Tech

Meta Reanimates Dead Grandparents, Monetizes Grief with Ad-Supported Holograms

Meta’s new hologram service lets users resurrect their dead grandparents—complete with fond memories, glitchy hugs, and fully integrated ad breaks. Dubbed Hologrampa, the experience combines family bonding with targeted marketing, because nothing says “I miss you” like Grandpa selling you a Capital One credit card mid-embrace.
Tech

Easy “Unbake” Oven Rewinds Time, Sparks Conservative Panic and Chicken Birth

MIT scientists have introduced the Easy Unbake Oven—an appliance that literally rewinds the baking process at a molecular level, promising to restore overcooked cakes with the push of an Anti-Time Bake™ button. While early testers celebrate dessert revivals, critics warn that the innovation might accidentally revert eggs into live chickens, sparking conservative panic over "un-natural" kitchen miracles.
World News

Trump’s Plane from Qatar Features Cruise Control That “Will Not Be Hacked by Military for a Swift Nose-Dive into Al-Yamamah Palace”

President Trump has accepted a $400M luxury jet from Qatar, complete with mirrored walls, a “STRIKE” button that launches “gift baskets,” and cruise control that definitely won’t redirect the plane into any buildings where the Emir’s Saudi enemies may congregate. Trump now reportedly spends hours in the aircraft’s mirrored maze, flirting with himself and whispering, “You’re hired.”
Politics

Budget Cuts Reduce EPA to Single Petco in Phoenix, Bearded Dragon Now Oversees Nuclear Fallout

After federal budget cuts slashed the EPA down to a single Petco store in suburban Phoenix, all environmental oversight duties—including nuclear waste response—have been handed off to a high school junior just trying to impress a girl and a bearded dragon named Gandalf.
Local News

11-Month-Old Fetus Refuses to Be Born, Citing California Squatter Rights

In a legal standoff that’s baffled doctors and thrilled constitutional scholars, an 11-month-old fetus has invoked California squatter rights to stay in the womb indefinitely — with legal representation and demands for a ball pit.

Trending News

Stoners Now A Protected Class in California
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International Student Ban Reversed by Harvard Alumni Judge with a Rasmus-Shaped Hole in Her Heart
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Hooters Economic Collapse Forces Nation to Make Eye Contact with Waitresses
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