World News
Donald Trump has announced plans to sue Google for “bad search results” and BuzzFeed for a Muppet quiz that labeled him Miss Piggy. Trump blasted Google for highlighting quotes he made “in the privacy of [his] own press conference,” and demanded a recount after BuzzFeed refused to change his result to Kermit.
Politics
Donald Trump’s one-day McDonald’s “shift” ended in disaster after he was placed on a performance improvement plan for inappropriate ball pit behavior and tried to one-up Ronald McDonald in a locker room-style contest of size. After handing out unsolicited salads, messing up orders, and emerging from the ice cream machine covered in soft-serve, Trump declared, “I’ve made McDonald’s great again,” before being politely escorted off the premises.
World News
CNN has projected Kamala Harris as the 2024 election winner a full month early, following a Taylor Swift endorsement that sent GOP leaders into chaos. Trump turned to Cameo for celebrity support, Ron DeSantis tried to ban bangs, and Mike Pence accidentally endorsed gender theory. Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell introduced a Senate amendment to launch Kanye into space.

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