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Culture

Kourtney Kardashian’s Pregnancy Announced on Instagram, Fetus Already Has Brand Deals

Kourtney Kardashian has announced she’s expecting her fourth child — and the baby’s already beating influencer milestones. Nicknamed Halo Marmalade, the five-month-old fetus has reportedly signed with WME, secured brand deals with Erewhon and Balenciaga Baby, and been featured in Forbes Under 0.5.
Tech

Dire Wolf Brought Back from Extinction, Immediately Served on Brioche Buns at McKinsey Global Leadership Summit

In a controversial fusion of biotech and corporate culture, McKinsey managing partners hunted and consumed a newly resurrected dire wolf just hours after its reintroduction by scientists. Billed as a team-building exercise at the firm’s Global Leadership Summit, the event drew backlash after the animal—named Fenrir—was tracked, killed, and served on brioche buns with fig gastrique.
Tech

Second Neuralink Patient Now Cyberbullying Teens in Grand Theft Auto with Unprecedented Autonomy

After receiving a Neuralink brain implant, paralyzed patient John Doe has regained digital mobility—now using it to verbally annihilate teenagers in Grand Theft Auto with nothing but neural impulses and pure spite. “It’s like being reborn,” he said, “but more toxic.”
World News

Shanwei Zoo Vows All Animals Are Real As Reporter Wonders How Many Bears Train At Juilliard

The Shanwei Zoo has denied mounting allegations that its animals are costumed actors, despite a tap-dancing grizzly, a bipedal “snake” muttering in Mandarin, and a kangaroo caught chain-smoking by the eucalyptus exhibit. Officials maintain all animals are “fully real,” and urged guests to ignore loudspeakers threatening termination or euthanasia for lackluster performances.
Politics

RFK Jr. Proposes New CDC Division for “Holistic Immunity,” Suggests Breast Milk Could Replace Vaccines

In a move that has stunned medical professionals and delighted wellness influencers, newly appointed Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced the creation of a CDC Division of Holistic Immunity, claiming that “breast milk is nature’s vaccine.” The initiative, dubbed Project TittyShield, will roll out Lacto-Vouchers, chakra-certified pediatricians, and a national breast milk registry—all in what critics are calling the most nipples-forward public health policy in American history.
Tech

TheraFlix Uses Blood Samples To Recommend Netflix Shows, Detect Cousin Marriages

Disgraced biotech entrepreneur Elizabeth Holmes has reemerged with TheraFlix, a blood-based streaming recommendation device that claims to tailor Netflix suggestions using just a single drop of blood. Early users say the product delivers unsettlingly accurate playlists—and in one case, alerted a couple that they were cousins.
World News

DeSantis Bans Pro-Choice Ads, Rolls Out ‘Women’s Mode’ for a Dainty and Feminine TV Experience

After banning pro-choice ads and tampon commercials, Governor Ron DeSantis has introduced “Women’s Mode,” a restricted TV setting offering only The Barefoot Contessa, Say Yes to the Dress, and a kitten slideshow with not-so-subliminal messaging.
Politics

Trump Delivers Stirring Final Message to Voters: ‘Arnold Palmer Was Naked, and That’s Important’

In a baffling final campaign speech, Donald Trump urged Americans to consider one overlooked factor before voting: Arnold Palmer’s “unbelievable” locker room presence. “He didn’t even need a golf club—if you know what I mean,” Trump said, launching into a passionate, unprovoked ranking of sports legends based on naked shower charisma.
Culture

Trump Claims to be ‘Blacker’ than Harris, Recalls His Three-Point Shot Made in ‘98

At a recent rally, Donald Trump declared himself “blacker than Kamala Harris,” citing his 1998 three-point shot, his “invention” of Juneteenth, and a mentorship he claims to have given LeBron James—who has since clarified he’s never met the man. Trump also alleged Harris became Black after attending a Jackson 5 concert, and accused her of taking a MasterClass titled How to Succeed in Blackness Without Really Trying.
Politics

Musk Offers Supporters $47 For Petition Signatures, $50k to End Zuckerberg’s Marriage

Elon Musk’s America PAC is now paying supporters $47 per petition signature—“the price of freedom and a mid-tier Uber,” he tweeted—plus bonuses for social media loyalty and $50K to anyone who can end Mark Zuckerberg’s marriage. Musk’s breakup plan, dubbed Operation X-Wife, includes deepfakes, fake Bezos texts, and yacht invites from sentient Roombas. “This isn’t petty,” Musk insisted. “It’s Web3 justice.”

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