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Local News

Local Woman Avenges Elderly Dog’s Euthanasia by Declaring War on Veterinarian

After her beloved Shih Tzu Mitzy was euthanized by the dog’s lifelong veterinarian, Ashley Mancuso launched an elaborate campaign of revenge involving stolen pets, sabotaged clinic technology, and a blistering one-star Yelp review.
Local News

OBIT: Oliver Murdock Dead at 53, Just in Time to Avoid Apologizing for Anything Ever

Oliver Murdock, 53, died last Tuesday after being struck by a Cybertruck—an event his estranged wife Caroline described as “an abrupt and convenient escape from accountability.” In a scathing obituary, she recalled his signature talents: leaving the fridge open, offending waitstaff, and dodging emotional maturity like it was jury duty.
Culture, Local News

Boy’s Suspicion of Terminal Illness Confirmed by Surprise Ariana Grande Visit

After months of vague test results and cryptic medical conversations, 17-year-old Trevor Stills only began to suspect something was seriously wrong when Ariana Grande showed up at his house holding a corsage on prom night and calling him “so strong.”
Local News

Local “Freelance Plaintiff” Becomes Financially Independent Thanks to 800+ Class Action Lawsuits

What began as a hobby of collecting $8 settlement checks and “cruelty-free” cosmetics payouts has turned into a full-time career for 34-year-old Terry Malkovich. With over 800 class action lawsuits under his belt—ranging from deceptive pesto to emotionally misleading candles—Malkovich has built a livelihood out of minor consumer betrayals, a manila folder labeled “TO SUE,” and an unwavering belief that justice includes bagel labels and scented candles.
Politics

Easter Bunny Prepares for White House Egg Hunt by Donning Bulletproof Vest, Making Peace With His God

In light of multiple failed assassination attempts on Trump, the White House Easter Bunny—portrayed by a junior in a bulletproof vest—arrived at the annual South Lawn egg hunt ready for danger. What began as a festive tradition unraveled into chaos after a rogue Nerf dart set off a security meltdown, Eric Trump crashed a golf cart into the lemonade stand, and the visibly shaken bunny, known as Kyle, was left frozen amid shattered deviled eggs and crying children.
Politics

Matt Gaetz Endorses New Bill After Negotiating Down Mail-Order Bride Tariffs

In a surprise policy pivot, Rep. Matt Gaetz has thrown his support behind a new tariff bill—just hours after negotiating special protections for the mail-order bride industry. “We’ve safeguarded a critical supply chain,” Gaetz proclaimed, standing proudly beside a dazed Latvian woman holding artificial roses. “Thanks to these exemptions, patriots can still import emotionally unavailable companionship at competitive rates.”
Local News

Berkeley PD Halts Montessori Program After Feelings Stick Turns Violent

In a bid to replace outdated interrogation methods, Berkeley PD launched a Montessori-style suspect processing program where detainees shared emotions using a “feelings stick” and colored mandalas in peace corners. But after one suspect fatally bludgeoned another over the last gratitude beanbag, officials admitted the program — while soothing — may have slightly underestimated the violent potential of emotionally unprocessed car thieves.
Culture

GOP Adds Chappell Roan to Federal Watchlist After 3% Lesbianism Spike

Alarmed by a spike in youth lesbianism, GOP lawmakers are targeting pop star Chappell Roan as a national threat. A new bill seeks to add her to a federal watchlist after analysts linked her rise to increased Google searches like “how to tell if you’re in love with your best friend” and “how to make focaccia from scratch.”
Culture, Tech

#KidneyForTikTok: Teens Sell Organs in Last-Ditch Effort to Save App

As TikTok faced a nationwide ban, teens launched a chaotic rescue mission involving bake sales, fun runs, and black-market organ sales under the banner #KidneyForTikTok. With one teen sacrificing both kidneys and another raising $6,000 for her appendix, efforts culminated in a $50 million duct tape wallet auction and a candlelight vigil at Sammy’s Vape Shop and Patisserie.
World News

Trump Visits Netanyahu to Pitch Gaza Strip Theme Park, Refuses to Leave Until IDF Does “Jewish Chair Dance Thing”

During an unannounced visit to Israel, President Trump unveiled plans for a Gaza Strip theme park and insisted on final approval from Prime Minister Netanyahu. The meeting ended with Trump demanding a celebratory “Jewish chair dance,” which IDF soldiers reluctantly performed as he shouted improvised Hebrew and clapped off-beat.

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